


Alone

by apollo1832



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Heavy Angst, M/M, Marauders' Era, Post-First War with Voldemort, at least I think so, or well
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-15
Updated: 2018-03-14
Packaged: 2019-03-31 14:23:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13976979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apollo1832/pseuds/apollo1832
Summary: It's been 5 years since the death of Lily and James Potter. Five years since Sirius Black betrayed his friends. Five years and 60 full moons have passed since Remus Lupin has been left completely and utterly alone. Five years later finds a Remus Lupin that has given up. But before he takes that final leap, he wants just one question answered. And for that he needs to make a trip to Azkaban.





	Alone

**Author's Note:**

> so, this is my first time writing WolfStar, and I have NO idea what I'm doing, but I do know that I cried while writing this so!!!!!  
> this is a work in progress, and I have no idea how often I'll wind up updating, and as such this is unbeta'd so any and all mistakes are my own.  
> That being said, ENJOY!

**October 31 st, 1986**

Just as dawn breaks, Remus Lupin finds himself walking past the gates of the graveyard in Godrics Hollow. It’s been five years since everything went to complete and utter shit, and it’s the first time Remus has found it in himself to see the graves and Lily and James.

Every year previous Remus found himself too scared, too broken, to come see the graves of his best friends. As if seeing it would somehow make it final. Real. As if it would solidify the fact that Remus Lupin was completely, and utterly, alone in this world.

He comes to a stop once he gets to their graves, and falling to his knees, reads,

_In Loving Memory of_

_James Potter * Lily Potter_

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Remus finally chokes out, tears streaming down his face.

“It’s been a long time,” Remus continues, still talking to his friend’s tombstone, “Five years since-Since well, you know.”

The more he talks, the easier Remus finds this to be. It’s cathartic to be able to just, talk. Even if no one is actually listening. He tells them about how he’s been on the move the last few years, never staying in one place too long, how he’s been taking to bartending in the Muggle World because they don’t ask questions about his absences every month, like clockwork, or about his multitude of scars. The scars that seem to be pilling up as the months go by, an indication of the full moons getting harder, rougher. He talks about how he’s homeless, more often than not, not having enough money to pay rent.

“I know you guys probably want an update on Harry, but-“ he says, voice cracking, “but Dumbledore refuses to tell anyone where he is. I’m sorry. I haven’t been allowed to see him. I tried to fight Dumbledore on it, but he said some mystical load of meaningless shit, you know? The kind of shit that always used to drive us mad in school. I did give him some things to pass along that I though Harry should have, but who knows if Harry will get them.”

“It’s been five years, 1,825 days, and 60 full moons since you’ve both been gone. And it, it never gets easier, does it? There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t wonder about what the fuck went wrong to make this happen. Not a single moment goes by where I don’t wonder why, why _he_ did this to us. We always said we’d all be together until the end, but he made that meaningless didn’t he?”

Running a hand through his hair, Remus continues, “I don’t even fucking know anymore. I _want_ to blame him for this, for everything that happened, but it never fucking adds up, does it? And the fucked up part of it is, I still love him. I still love him, even after everything. I’ve tried to stop, but I don’t think I could ever stop loving him, and what does that make me? Well,” he says, huffing out a slight laugh through the tears, “I guess I am the monster I feared I was after all.”

“I know you’d both probably be pissed at me, Peter too, to see me like this. But it’s hard. I spent years of my childhood thinking that I would grow up to be alone, but then I got to Hogwarts and there you all were, befriending me and all that shit. Becoming Animagi when you fuckers found out about my furry little problem. And then the Moons were easier to bear, they didn’t hurt so much. And I started to get used to the idea of having a family, of having people who cared about me. But now, it seems like my child self was right after all. Monsters all end up alone. Now though. Now I think I’m done. I’m done fighting. Of being alone, of going through this fucking hell every goddamn fucking month. I don’t have that fight in me anymore. I’m barely 27 years old, and I’m just tired of it all. So I guess, what I’m trying to say is-is that I’ll be seeing you soon, I’d reckon.”

Standing up, not bothering to wipe the tears from his face, or the dirt from his jeans, Remus says without inflection, “There’s just one question I still need answered.”

**Author's Note:**

> Don't forget to leave kudos and comments!!! <3
> 
> up next: Remus comes face to face with Sirius for the first time in 5 years.


End file.
